Empty Calories & Male Curiosity, #43 🥃

“I don’t need no stinkin’ semicolon." Advice for Zen-like Writing (& Drinking).

QUICK HITTERS:

1. This is a week late, but in honor of last week’s September 11th anniversary I’m recommending The Looming Tower: Al-Qaeda and the Road to 9/11, by Lawrence Wright. This was a fantastic book that spawned a limited streaming series. I’m hoping to watch that this winter.

   

   Darla gives this one two paws up 🐾

2. Earlier this week I purchased a really cool t-shirt from Jonathan Small on Substack (via Etsy). Check him and his publication, Small Talk, out. That reminds me: Make America Smart Again t-shirts are still on sale. Purchase yours HERE!

   

3. Recently we passed 6,000 downloads for the SilentPunt Podcast, not including Apple or Spotify. We’ll be adding YouTube soon. Thanks and keep tuning in!

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GOING DEEP:

“I don’t need no stinkin’ semicolon." Advice for Zen-like Writing (& Drinking).

Earlier this week our daughter, who is a junior in high school, asked me to proofread the rough draft of her college essay. This was one of those moments as a parent where you want to freak out and be like, “hell yes, I thought you’d never ask!” But for whatever reason, our child is one of those types who has always been oppositional whenever my wife and I have praised a new endeavor of hers.

So we have to play it cool. If we get too excited about some new hobby or interest, she immediately turns tail and looks for something else. It’s almost as if she thinks we’re going to infringe upon this activity. Like, “yeah, I love this, but not enough to have to do it with you two dweebs.”

Anyway, when she asked me to proofread the essay it was all I could do to contain my excitement. This is a child who was talking in complete sentences before average kids could speak a word. A precocious toddler who would get in trouble for reading under the covers with a nightlight in bed.

She has since turned into a mercurial teenager who has shunned reading and writing. In large part because she is inherently good at it.

I think.

Who knows what people’s true motivations are? Particularly female teenagers.

♀ ♀ ♀ ♀ ♀ ♀

Her essay was outstanding. Totally outside the box, but totally encompassing of the young lady she is becoming. It was all I could do not to cry and hug her, and instead just tell her that I thought it was really good. With the exact right amount of surprise and admiration in my voice.

She bought it and was happy with my contained response.

The only things I circled in the entire piece were two semicolons that she used. I explained to her that I don’t usually use semicolons when I write, so she may wanna double-check that she’s using them correctly.

When she asked why I don’t use them, I said that I don’t really understand how to use them. And that’s definitely true. But upon further introspection, I realized that it is only partly true¹.

The other part is because they are fancy. For most of my life I have abhorred fancy things. I’m not completely sure why, but I like the basics.

It even played out in my coaching career. One of my favorite things to do was call the same offensive play back-to-back. Sometimes even as many as three or four times in a row. It felt like we were sending a message to the defense. “Here we are, this is what we’re going to do, and there is nothing you can do about it.”

For some reason that last sentence made me think of this:

My brain is apparently made of 100% Swiss cheese at this point.

To wit:

If you got both of the above references, I have one question for you….will you move to Wisconsin and be my friend?

When we first moved to Wisconsin I learned about the Old Fashioned drink. I’ve subsequently found out that Old Fashioneds are not unique to Wisconsin, or even the Midwest for that matter, but they were certainly new to me.

I tried a few here and there, but never seemed to like them. I wasn’t sure why, so I started asking people what was in them. I never got the same answer twice. Every bar, restaurant, and family basement did it differently.

So, I embarked upon a quest. For 12 months, I would test out every combination of Old Fashioned and determine which I liked best.

I will spare you the gory details, but the answer came back, and it was unequivocal:

I don’t like Old Fashioneds.

There is probably something with my palate that explains why (I’m more of a salt guy than sweet), but I think fanciness was the main reason. Make a simple syrup, muddle, zest, pick a liquor…enough already.

Give me some whiskey with a splash of soda and I’m good.

And don’t get me started on mojitos.

When our daughter was little, we correctly instructed her that if she was in a steakhouse not to order the chicken. Or if she were in a Mexican joint, not to order the cheeseburger.

But for some reason, my wife refuses to adhere to this logic when it comes to mojitos.

• Jose’s Restaurant in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin: Mojito.

• Cuban place in Miami: Mojito

• Dive Bar in West Allis, Wisconsin: Mojito

When someone orders a mojito in a dive bar there is a certain look they get from the bartender….

This look says,

“You’re seriously ordering that here? Don’t you see how busy I am? I have PBRs to pour, dice to roll, and pull tabs to pay out. Not to mention keeping an eye on the two dipshits at the end of the bar who keep sneaking looks at my tits. I’ve told that dad if he and his 12-year-old son don’t knock it off I’m tossing them both.”

For so many of us the world is a confusing place right now. Far left and far right. Liberal and conservative. Team Conrad and Team Jeremiah².

I think we all ache for simpler times.

Times when politicians treated each other with civility. When we covered our textbooks with grocery bags. When there were way fewer TV channels, and way more newspapers.

And when Harry Caray called baseball games drunk.

1. Introverts do an introspection on pretty much every human interaction they have. Did you not know that?

2. No worries if you don’t get this reference. I only vaguely do. It has something to do with The Summer I Turned Pretty.