Empty Calories & Male Curiosity, #32 🥃

4th of July Special 🇺🇸

QUICK HITTERS:

1. Shout-out to my Substack friend Lindsey Smith for helping edit this week’s GOING DEEP. If you are not subscribing to her yet, do it NOW; she’s a riot!

2. If you are a fan of football, cars, business…or just plain fantastic writing, this week’s book recommendation is for you. American Icon: Alan Mulally And The Fight To Save Ford Motor Company, by Bryce G. Hoffman, tells the in-depth story of Ford. Specific emphasis is placed on the post-2008 era when Mulally, then the new CEO, beat the odds and turned Ford back into a winner. In the years since this book was published, the Lions have become winners as well.

   

   I assure you, Darla does indeed have two ears.

3. Earlier this week, Travis and I put out a July 4th special edition of the SilentPunt Podcast (find it here). We discuss all the things we love about the Independence Day holiday. Including these fireworks from Lake Placid, NY….

GOING DEEP:

Bezos Wedding Appetizer: This Elevated PB&J Sandwich Will Change Your Life

Are you a busy parent? Someone who needs multiple snacks during the day, but struggles finding the right combination of ingredients that meet your needs? Are you also someone who is highly susceptible to aspirational advertising?

Well, I’ve got just the thing for you. Having recently returned to the states from a weekend abroad at the Bezos wedding, I want to share this recipe with you. Served poolside (and by pool, I mean the Adriatic Sea, which had been rented out for the affair), this elevated take on the classic peanut butter and jelly sandwich will fill your belly and help you power through that midday slump. 

And who knows, maybe ingesting these sammys filled with the yummy ingredients listed below will help you procure Jeff’s pecs or Lauren’s malleable melatonin.

As with any good recipe, this one begins with its base. For the bread they selected a sourdough variety baked in oversized, coal-fired, steam retention-enhanced Dutch ovens. The ovens, imported directly from Lancaster, Pennsylvania, were powered by twenty-five Amish men (also imported). 

Lightly toasted over the embers of fair trade practices, this bread not only tasted heavenly, but the nutty yet tender flavor of the bread served to enhance the interaction of the main ingredients. An added bonus was the 3X dose of fiber provided by the minimally processed pea protein flour. 

Your colon won’t know what hit it.

Next up was the peanut butter. Ethically sourced from a small farm in Ethiopia, all proceeds of its sale go to save the indigenous woolly baboons that are now making a comeback in the region. Pushed to extinction for decades, you can now see these crimson keistered monkeys throwing feces at locals on every street corner in the area.

For the jelly they chose a nutrient-dense strawberry preserve. In addition to naturally occurring beta blockers, these berries had been infused with high-grade THC sourced from the finest basements in Colorado. The slight hint of Mary Jane provided a modest high to go with the creamy, savory feel of the jelly on your tongue. 

The pièce de résistance for this elevated take on an American staple was arugula. This non-GMO, upscale lettuce originated from fields in the the Yumas Valley, Arizona, on a farm that partners with a small community in Medellin, Mexico. 

The partnership swaps arugula for blow, as well as underserved youths from both communities who participate in a cultural exchange program. 

The Mexican teens learn how to work twelve-hour days in the glorious sunshine of the Sonoran Desert, while their American counterparts educate Mexican youth on vital topics like TikTok and how to give off a stellar rizz. 

Lastly, attendees who paid for the VIP package also had their PB&Js drizzled in Thai Sweet Chili sauce. Imported directly from Bangkok, procurement of this chili was facilitated by The Clinton Foundation. 

While I was unable to find the cost of this particular product, one can assume it will be widely trafficked, now that the world has found out about it.

This superfood snack is sure to be all the rage in summer ‘25. Vegan and gluten-free, this mega-fiber sandwich is diverse enough for all of the white people at your next invite-only party to enjoy. 

Just make sure to have extra toilet paper.