Festivus Redux
Beating a dead horse
Earlier this week, I shared my friend Jon Murphy’s take on the Seinfeld holiday of Festivus. Now it’s my turn!
I’ve Got a Lot of Problems With You People
In case you’re unaware, the other day was Festivus. This Seinfeld-inspired holiday was invented by Frank Costanza, the perpetually aggrieved father on the show. This deliberately absurd, anti-commercial holiday rejects the emotional, financial, and decorative excesses of Christmas.
One of the key tenets of this farcical holiday is the “airing of grievances,” where Frank lets those around him know just how many things he finds wrong with them. It is in this spirit of resentment and contempt that I’ve put together my own list.
But in keeping with the true spirit of the holiday season, Jon and I are giving you the ability to be a part of the fun. What are some of your grievances? Reply to this email or let us know in the comments. More on this in a bit.
Without further ado (drum roll)…
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Grown men doing weird things in public restrooms:
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The Kelce Brothers (with a side of Matthew McConaughey).
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The company that is currently trying to f*ck me over. The details of which are quite inconsequential1. Because you have one doing the same thing to you right now, don’t you? Cell phone company? Contractor? Healthcare provider? Insurance Company?
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Bill Belichick and Jordan Whats-her-name.
And creepy old men in general, for that matter. For more on this, listen to this week’s SilentPunt Podcast with guest host Lindsey Smith, HERE. Lindsey teaches at UNC, where Belichick now coaches, and shares some interesting insights.
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Eagles Fans.
Love you folks, and I love our Birds, but Jalen Hurts is an objectively average quarterback. While we’re on quarterbacks, they should be diving, not sliding. The SilentPunt Podcast did a deep dive on this last year. The NFL is finally catching up:
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(Posted this clip on YouTube as well, but those greedy buggers at the NFL won’t let me post it here)
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Oblivious people.
My first order of business upon election to the presidency in 2028 will be an executive order making it legal to whack people’s phones out of their hands. This will only apply when they’re about to walk into you because their stupid faces are buried in their screens.
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Meteorologists in metro Milwaukee. Stop being so goddamned cheery people. It is miserable here.
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Our beagle Maverick.
If 2026 can bring a few less doggie ER visits, that would be great. As we like to say in our house, that stinker is lucky he’s cute.
…..he looks really smart, huh? 🤪
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Greedy people.
I have no problem with anyone making whatever the market allows. That includes billionaires. However, if you’re lucky enough to have won the capitalism lottery, you better damned well give back.
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Servers who don’t write down my order.
50% of the time you get it wrong. Just admit it, your memory sucks.
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People who say ‘literally’ when they don’t mean literally.
For example, it would be unacceptable for me to say I literally want to stab myself in the throat with a rusty fork when I hear this. But it would be acceptable for me to say I literally have more hair growing from my ears than I do from the top of my head.
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End-of-year lists.
And no, I don’t find it ironic that I’m saying this in my own list.
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Adult men in dark dress suits wearing all-white sneakers.
I’m as down with the casual look as the next guy, but guys dressed like this literally make me wanna summon the ghost of Dick Cheney and have him waterboard their ass.
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Influencers.
Did you know the #1 career goal for kids aged 8-18 this year was to be an influencer?2 Did you also know that I am now an influencer? Oh, the lengths I will go to get people to read my shit.
Now for the fun:
Reply to this email or comment on this post with some of your own personal grievances. Absurd and funny answers only. Over the next few weeks, Jon and I will compare notes on the best responses. The winner will receive a Festivus-inspired t-shirt, compliments of me, and the runner-up will receive a custom prize from Jon to be named later.
Show us your worst!
If you tell me which movie this is from, you might just secure yourself a free t-shirt as well, baby!
I made this up.
LOL. I'm with you on the "literally."
What to add? My grievance is with people who have long, loud phone conversations in public. Do they seriously think others want to hear their conversation?
Similarly: people who play videos on their phone in public without using ear buds
Two things: "My first order of business upon election to the presidency in 2028 will be an executive order making it legal to whack people’s phones out of their hands."
Do we need an EO for this? Can't we just claim self-defense?
My grievance is that each of my family members will open a can of La Croix, drink one sip, set it down, forget about it and repeat until I have an entire recycling center's worth of cans that are 93% full, potentially germ-ridden and going flat. I have done nothing else this holiday season except trail behind them, attempting unsuccessfully to reunite cans with their proper owners and eventually giving up and pouring hundreds of dollars of fancy water down the drain. This is actual footage of my face right now 👉🏼 😩