Such a good read, Henny. I feel this deeply. There’s the version of me that leads meetings, commands the room, and speaks in high-level business speak like she was born doing it. Then there’s the actual me, who is none of those things naturally. Work me puts on a whole dress. Real me showed up to this comment in sweatpants. ha!
Your stories always get me. I didn’t play football, but I absolutely recognize that coach energy. Fellow athlete over here though, so I feel every bit of this. 😊
"The hard part isn’t becoming that guy. It’s figuring out when you don’t have to pretend to be him anymore." Perfect. So many of my issues, especially around anger and anxiety, were derived from feeling like I needed to have things figured out. It's such a relief giving ourselves permission to say "I don't really know what I'm doing; just figuring it out." Love this!
What a wonderfully told, useful, instructional and heart-breaking story. The moments when leaving ourselves behind leaves a dead-body on the trail. Thanks for the generosity of your humanness.
What really stood out (among many gems): "You don’t get to grow into authority. Eventually it just gets dumped in your lap. And from that moment on, whether you feel ready or not, you’re expected to act like the version of yourself that deserves it."
That you're still bothered by the incident with Russell speaks volumes about you as a person.
Thanks for reading and the nice comment Larry. I learned a lesson at the expense of someone else that day, not my finest hour. But we are all works in progress!
I'm such a pushover and not strict/assertive at all, and terrible for not following through on my threats. No wonder I struggle with some groups of kids I teach!
I was a substitute teacher immediately after graduating college. I learned in that role my job was considerably easier if the students were freighted of me.
But I’ve read enough of your writing to lead me to believe yours is the best approach.
Awesome post, Henny! I could so imagine you or any coach (especially a new one, and in those times) being trapped in this moment. How do you think you've changed as a coach? What would you do differently today? Again, great read!
Oh man, great question. I’m not totally sure but it definitely would’ve been softer. At the end of the day the kid was just being a kid, something that now 25 years later I have way more patience for.
Makes so much sense. Maybe it's the difference between being a kid yourself back then and a parent today, which is so ironic. You were understanding of the parent as a kid, and now understanding of the kid as a parent. Either way, I'm sure you were--and are-- a fabulous coach!
Man, I loved how much I thought about this one yesterday, esp the coaching half when the kid forgot his helmet. One of the things I didn’t appreciate as a kid, wasn’t until prob my mid-20s when I spent some time at a fighting gym, young boys don’t inherently know how to protect themselves. Some (most?) need to be taught that- and sometimes, that’s a hard message to get across. Impossible to know if that helmet toss / last straw for him saved him from a major injury. It made me think about how “quitting” is so stigmatized, moreso when we were growing up, and in some cases, walking away is the move. Appreciate you sharing stories on what you learned from coaching. Always enjoy reading these.
What happened when he quit was the same thing that happened whenever anyone else quit (there was/is a lot of quitting in D3 athletics): you moved on and coached the guys that were still there.
I don’t think it was until I had been a head coach for several years until I started to look at incidents like this from a different perspective.
The helmet chucking version of you would’ve made a good fire company officer in another life 😂 I know exactly what you mean though. How you get brought up is all you know and you do the best with what you have. At default, I do think tough love creates better leaders, but… and that but is the biggest mystery of all.
Makes me think of going to the basketball courts as a kid and the older kids kicking me off until I was good enough, if I just quit, it may have been the most efficient decision for everyone, same as if I kept showing up and earned my keep. I don’t fault the helmet toss, honestly. It’s a fork in the road to conform or not, and he didn’t. So be it
Yeah, the but. That’s what’s so difficult about manhood. That style of coaching and leadership helped me grow, mature, and be successful. It also stunted my emotional development and ability to truly connect with others, including my family.
…the old don’t promise a party you shouldn’t throw…odd story this one made me remember is we had a guy on my high school football team who purposely shit his pants a few times to make people not want to tackle him (more of a loose end than a tight end, oh!)…i think i quit practice when i heard that…
You live and your learn 🤷🏻♀️ For the record though, pretty much all the sports coaches (and P.E. teachers) I encountered during my lifetime would've acted/spoken the same way. It was just what was considered normal.
Such a good read, Henny. I feel this deeply. There’s the version of me that leads meetings, commands the room, and speaks in high-level business speak like she was born doing it. Then there’s the actual me, who is none of those things naturally. Work me puts on a whole dress. Real me showed up to this comment in sweatpants. ha!
Thanks for that Brandi…I was hoping woman would relate as well, even though my stories were dude-centric. I feel like it’s kinda human nature.
Enjoy sweatpant Friday!!!
Your stories always get me. I didn’t play football, but I absolutely recognize that coach energy. Fellow athlete over here though, so I feel every bit of this. 😊
👊🏼. What did/do you play?
Modern dance, basketball, and track. 😀
"The hard part isn’t becoming that guy. It’s figuring out when you don’t have to pretend to be him anymore." Perfect. So many of my issues, especially around anger and anxiety, were derived from feeling like I needed to have things figured out. It's such a relief giving ourselves permission to say "I don't really know what I'm doing; just figuring it out." Love this!
Thanks dude! Sounds like you’re ahead of where I was when I was your age with this stuff, so good on ya!!!
That’s kind of you! If anything, I find that the more I learn, the more that I understand how little I know 😂
What a wonderfully told, useful, instructional and heart-breaking story. The moments when leaving ourselves behind leaves a dead-body on the trail. Thanks for the generosity of your humanness.
I appreciate it Rick. Knowing folks like you are on the other end makes it easier to share.
Man, that’s shitty! I mean you, Henny, with the helmet.
Indeed
What really stood out (among many gems): "You don’t get to grow into authority. Eventually it just gets dumped in your lap. And from that moment on, whether you feel ready or not, you’re expected to act like the version of yourself that deserves it."
That you're still bothered by the incident with Russell speaks volumes about you as a person.
Thanks for reading and the nice comment Larry. I learned a lesson at the expense of someone else that day, not my finest hour. But we are all works in progress!
I'm such a pushover and not strict/assertive at all, and terrible for not following through on my threats. No wonder I struggle with some groups of kids I teach!
I was a substitute teacher immediately after graduating college. I learned in that role my job was considerably easier if the students were freighted of me.
But I’ve read enough of your writing to lead me to believe yours is the best approach.
Awesome post, Henny! I could so imagine you or any coach (especially a new one, and in those times) being trapped in this moment. How do you think you've changed as a coach? What would you do differently today? Again, great read!
Thanks Diane!
Oh man, great question. I’m not totally sure but it definitely would’ve been softer. At the end of the day the kid was just being a kid, something that now 25 years later I have way more patience for.
Makes so much sense. Maybe it's the difference between being a kid yourself back then and a parent today, which is so ironic. You were understanding of the parent as a kid, and now understanding of the kid as a parent. Either way, I'm sure you were--and are-- a fabulous coach!
Appreciate that 👊🏼
Man, I loved how much I thought about this one yesterday, esp the coaching half when the kid forgot his helmet. One of the things I didn’t appreciate as a kid, wasn’t until prob my mid-20s when I spent some time at a fighting gym, young boys don’t inherently know how to protect themselves. Some (most?) need to be taught that- and sometimes, that’s a hard message to get across. Impossible to know if that helmet toss / last straw for him saved him from a major injury. It made me think about how “quitting” is so stigmatized, moreso when we were growing up, and in some cases, walking away is the move. Appreciate you sharing stories on what you learned from coaching. Always enjoy reading these.
Thanks Matt! Yeah when you quit when I was growing up you were a quitter. Now kids “retire” 🙄. There’s gotta be a happy medium.
Really great read! Isn’t it funny that all the selves that we are, are still just US!
Thanks Taylor, and amen to that!
Great post. There’s always that fight between who we know we are and who we think we should be.
Thanks! And yes, agreed.
So what happened after Russell quit? What did you think/do next? Great piece!
Thanks Lindsey!
What happened when he quit was the same thing that happened whenever anyone else quit (there was/is a lot of quitting in D3 athletics): you moved on and coached the guys that were still there.
I don’t think it was until I had been a head coach for several years until I started to look at incidents like this from a different perspective.
The helmet chucking version of you would’ve made a good fire company officer in another life 😂 I know exactly what you mean though. How you get brought up is all you know and you do the best with what you have. At default, I do think tough love creates better leaders, but… and that but is the biggest mystery of all.
Makes me think of going to the basketball courts as a kid and the older kids kicking me off until I was good enough, if I just quit, it may have been the most efficient decision for everyone, same as if I kept showing up and earned my keep. I don’t fault the helmet toss, honestly. It’s a fork in the road to conform or not, and he didn’t. So be it
Yeah, the but. That’s what’s so difficult about manhood. That style of coaching and leadership helped me grow, mature, and be successful. It also stunted my emotional development and ability to truly connect with others, including my family.
…the old don’t promise a party you shouldn’t throw…odd story this one made me remember is we had a guy on my high school football team who purposely shit his pants a few times to make people not want to tackle him (more of a loose end than a tight end, oh!)…i think i quit practice when i heard that…
Hahaha, holy shit 😉
I have a similar story to yours that I’m holding for another time, but yours trumps it regardless!!
"So often in life we are trying to be some version of ourselves that we think others want us to be." Isn't that the truth? Love this post!
Oh man Nicole, thanks for letting me know that!!
Ok, but why not take the stairs...
I don’t know if it’s cause I’m still a little under the weather or what, but I don’t think I get your drift…
When he sh*t his pants and got on an elevator. I think I would have taken the stairway...
Ha! Durr, Henny 😀. I guess he’s like me and had taken one too many blows to the head.
Lmao 🤣 💀😅
Steve is awesome for letting his wife depict what took place that evening for all to read!...
Poor Russell though 😭😉
Yeah, not proud of that
You live and your learn 🤷🏻♀️ For the record though, pretty much all the sports coaches (and P.E. teachers) I encountered during my lifetime would've acted/spoken the same way. It was just what was considered normal.