You People are Hilarious, and Also Deeply Broken
And the winner is....
Over the holidays, I challenged SilentPunt readers to identify their biggest bugaboos. Using fictional Frank Costanza as your spirit animal, y’all didn’t disappoint. I dare say, this newsletter may be having a Svengali-like influence on some of you.
First up, Honorable Mention:
Scott D (via email from San Diego):
Sent in a hilarious Estelle Costanza quote.
Kevin was the only one to recognize my Austin Powers Easter Egg. (This is arguably one of the best monologues in cinematic history.)
Jason Sciborski:
Slow drivers in the fast lane.
I agree with this in principle. However, having myself once sat in the third row of a minivan driven by Jason going 90 mph in a blizzard through the Rockies, I’m not sure he’s one to be giving driving advice.
Not paying attention to the game at a Super Bowl party (and even standing in front of the TV).
Quality gripe here, no notes.
Bizarre public restroom set-ups….
Notice the toilet paper dispenser by the ceiling? …and…
His & her commodes?
That photo reminded me of this…
People who personally attacked other readers, or me:
As can happen in life, one person’s bugaboo is another’s modus operandi. Just a little friendly fire before we get to the finalists:
Has a problem with people who don’t check their bags while flying.
I initially felt personally attacked by this. Then I remembered that Bill identifies as a curmudgeon, so I’ll allow it.
Resting bit*h faces.
Not me, but possibly someone I know 😬💍.
(Daniel also let us know that prior to reading my piece, he knew what Festivus was, but he didn’t know where it came from. I’ve contacted reps for Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld, but am currently still awaiting my remuneration.)
People who leave their car at the gas pump while they go in and shop.
Kevin A. & I both copped to doing this. Anyone else?
Unsolicited bare feet pics.
I’m assuming one of you freaks has a foot fetish.
Bill Southern (again!) & Cindy Ojczyk:
They both do not approve of folks using a public restroom and then not washing their hands.
In my defense….
Henny Hiemenz (Not me, the other one. And yes, there is another one.):
He doesn’t like being asked to tip when he goes out and picks up take-out.
Finalists:
#4, Amy Cavalleri:
“The hold music that is interrupted every 60 seconds with ‘Your call is very important to us’. Bullshit. I know it. You know it. You don’t care. Let’s not pretend.”
The get-off-my-lawn vibe is strong with this one.
(And get this, Amy is not even a SilentPunt subscriber! The rest of you should be ashamed of yourselves….)
#3, CK Steefel:
“When I’m waiting for a parking spot and that person in the spot doesn’t have a clue that someone awaits and they take their sweet time buckling in, sipping a coffee…”
I feel like we’ve all been that person waiting. Ideally, when we feel this way, we have a spouse in the passenger seat who can point out how lazy we are being. Or is that just me?
#2, Maria T.C:
“If the box is empty, throw it away. More than once I thought we had some cereal or medicine, only to find an empty container living in the cabinet.”
My child is an expert at this. Pretty sure this is what she sees when she looks at me….
And now, for numero uno, and grand prize winner…..
Jennie O’Connor:
“Each of my family members will open a can of LaCroix, drink one sip, set it down, forget about it, and repeat until I have an entire recycling center’s worth of cans that are 93% full, potentially germ-ridden, and going flat. I have done nothing else this holiday season except trail behind them, attempting unsuccessfully to reunite cans with their proper owners and eventually giving up and pouring hundreds of dollars of fancy water down the drain.”
(Shout-out to Shelly Mazzanoble for the excellent add-ons.)
And, if you’re disappointed you didn’t make the cut, well….
Additional shout-out to Paul Horton for winning my partner in crime Jon Murphy’s prize with the comment below. What is the prize you ask? A hand-drawn photo of Frank Costanza featuring a Festivus poem. Jealous much?
This is hilarious. The top 2 are def on my list. When I read your post I thought about this for a brief moment (I generally try not to churn up memories of things that bother me) and the only thing I could come up with was people who argue with me about something and once they realize they’ve lost the argument, they fire back with “irregardless…” and continue to yammer on so they can feel like they got the last word in.
I alluded to this in my comment this morn but didn’t include it in your round up because there was a story…when I looked up the origins of “irregardless” and its use, apparently there are current day dictionaries that list this word as an actual word because “it’s been used for over 200 years” - first cited in a South Carolina newspaper no less. Nothing like giving Latin etymology the long finger and just saying something wrong for a couple hundred years to make it right.
Regardless, (see how easy that is?) I’ve backed off only marginally. It’s a patently stupid word. Figured you’re a history buff and you’d appreciate a gripe like this that has some history behind it.
Aren't resting b*tch faces featured by all women over the age of 35 (depending on whose company we're in)?