Are you a Viktor Frankl or a Mercury Morris?
What a holocaust survivor and an NFL All-Pro can teach us about validation
Comment of the week: Taylor from @yoursoftspot
This week’s book recommendation. The ending is absolutely fabulous. Well researched and compelling.
Are you a Viktor Frankl or a Mercury Morris?
What a holocaust survivor and an NFL All-Pro can teach us about validation
I am hopeful to soon be able to share with you the story of the book project I’m working on. But right now I can at least tell you this: the story is about a man who, roughly forty years ago, was torn apart by a need for validation. A need for everyone to know just how big, strong, and talented he was.
Validation. I think many of us think of that as having a negative connotation. But in reality, validation is a perfectly normal human need. In our caveman days being validated meant being accepted by the group. Which equaled safety, food, and protection. Which increased our chances of procreating.
And while dumbass humans all over the globe continue to FAFO1 with animals, for the most part we don’t need to worry about being eaten by saber tooth tigers anymore.
🐅 🐯 💀 🐅 🐯 💀 🐅 🐯 💀 🐅 🐯 💀
The 1972 Miami Dolphins are the last NFL team to go undefeated for an entire season, including the Super Bowl2. Over the course of the 80s, 90s, and even into the 2000s, many of the team members would toast with champagne each NFL season when the last undefeated team finally lost a game. This meant their record would last for at least another year.
This happenstance doesn’t get as much coverage as it used to back in the day, mainly because many of the Dolphins from that team have passed away. Including Mercury Morris, maybe the player most associated with the tradition. Several others, notably Nick Buoniconti and Dick Anderson, were tied to the tradition as well, but come on…Mercury?
The running back and kick returner got that nickname because of his speed and slipperiness as a ball carrier. And if you ask me, it’s an absolute banger of a moniker. Find me a cooler or more apt nickname for an athlete today.
I’ll wait.
🐬 🐬 🐬 🐬 🐬 🐬 🐬 🐬 🐬 🐬 🐬 🐬
The other day I found myself thinking about those former Dolphins and their pettiness. Embarrasingly, it was because I recognized myself being petty. You see, back in December of 2010 I was fired from my job as head coach of a college football team. Long story short, we had a new president who didn’t like me very much. Particularly my inclination to speak my mind.
I had been coaching at the school for eight years, the last five as head coach. After going 3-16 in the two seasons prior to my initial hiring as an assistant, we went on to go 28-22 in my five seasons as head coach. Not exactly killing it, but we were moving the program forward.
After my firing the president moved the team into a new conference. A move that I was vehemently against. They have struggled ever since. So much so that my 56% winning percentage is still the highest mark of any coach there in the past fifty years.
While the program is struggling, a new coach is showing signs of life. Just recently they finished the season with a 4-6 mark, inching his winning percentage closer to mine. While in the immediate years after my firing I took great joy in the failings of the program, I really don’t care anymore.
Bitterness is not conducive to being a happy person.
But, and there is always a but, I can’t say that I don’t take just a little bit of pride in how my record holds up. It will be passed eventually, maybe next year or maybe in ten, because all records are eventually eclipsed3. That doesn’t change the fact that I’ve found a little perverse joy in following along.
When I retired from coaching I did so for a handful of reasons. Not the least of which was that I didn’t feel the need for validation anymore. I didn’t need to prove to anyone else how good of a coach I was or wasn’t, because I didn’t care either way. I knew how good I was and that was good enough for me.
When I had that realization (one of the few benefits of Covid lockdowns), it dawned on me that I could do whatever I wanted with my life. I didn’t need someone else’s opinion of me, or expectation of what I should be doing, to dictate what I did on a daily basis.
And the most important thing I wanted to do, and still want to do, is spend time with these two beautiful souls….
☮️ 🧘🏼♂️ ☮️ 🧘🏼♂️ ☮️ 🧘🏼♂️ ☮️ 🧘🏼♂️ ☮️ 🧘🏼♂️ ☮️ 🧘🏼♂️
If you’ve read Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search For Meaning you probably remember how powerful a book it is. If you haven’t, Frankl discusses his three year confinement in Nazi concentration camps. Through surviving that experience he gained great insight into the human condition.
In the face of unimaginable suffering, Frankl learned that within us all is the ability to create our own meaning. And that this meaning is derived from our own pleasure in pursuit of whatever goals we have set out for ourselves, and not on the approval of others.
Over the years I’ve come to be fascinated with Buddhism as well. It is in this same way that Buddhism teaches inner liberation. A liberation from Earthly attachments that inevitably lead to suffering.
At one point in researching this piece I came across some psychological references that adamantly maintained healthy people must have both internal and external sources of validation. And as I mentioned at the beginning of this piece, it seems to be a natural human need.
That makes sense to me, in that, who among us isn’t seeking validation from at least one person in their life? Someone to make us feel as though our life has meaning.
And maybe that’s the point. Whether you’re an NFL star, a fired coach, or just a simple human trying not to be attacked by a tiger, we all feel the need to be ‘seen’ by someone.4
But if Frankl and Morris, with a dash of the Buddha, have taught me anything, it’s that validation feels best when it comes from within. External praise is wonderful….money, fame, ‘success’…..
But it isn’t what sustains you.
That comes from choosing who it is you actually want to be, and then going out and living your life in that way. Not waiting for someone else to declare it.
Walk your own path.
With your own people.
F*ck Around and Find Out
Sorry, not sorry, Patriots fans.
Except Cal Ripken’s.
Some of you will know I vehemently dislike the phrase, “to be seen.” Thinking on it further now, I don’t think it’s the phrase itself I dislike. I think its just the overuse of it.
Such a solid piece my friend. I can't even imagine the pressure that coaches on all levels, all athletic disciplines are under and how that seeps into life on and off the field. It's awesome that you're doing the reflection you're doing; I'm sure it's only making your writing and relationships so much richer. And even I know that Mercury is an unrivaled nickname.
Well. Damn. I won comment of the week!! Also, Frankl is one of my favorites and his work changed the way I practiced with clients. I whole heartedly agree with your realizations, our sense of worth of course has external validation sprinkled in it. We live in community and it’s natural, normal, and necessary to desire validation. HOWEVER, the best is when you have a secure enough sense of self that YOU validate YOU. That validation can never be taken ✨