Empty Calories & Male Curiosity, #16
Laptop Bonanza: Revenge of the Husband
QUICK HITTERS:
Welcome to the 16th edition of this newsletter, which means I’ve now been doing this for four months. Mazel Tov!
How do you remember numbers? I do it by thinking of jersey numbers of athletes. I played golf outside in WI for the first time this year. Yes, that is ice on the lake…
This week’s book recommendation is The New Confessions of an Economic Hit Man, by John Perkins. I picked this book because I feel it is especially pertinent with what our current foreign policy is in this country. And it has nothing to do with Republicans or Democrats and everything to do with GREED. If you hate where our country is headed (or love it1) you should read this book.
Darla does more than nap, I promise. Another cool thing about reading this on the Substack app or at Substack.com is you can now listen to a post if you’d rather. I’ve started doing this in the car and on walks and it’s really slick. Just hit the play button at the top right of any post (Check out Chris Stanton’s hilarious publication, Stantonland, while you’re at it).
More talented authors than me, like Chris, also offer their own version of a VoiceOver using their own voice. You can see this on Chris’s post below his byline. On this week’s episode of the SilentPunt Podcast Travis and I talked about the new-ish rules in baseball (here). Tell us what to talk about next week…
GOING DEEP:
(Before reading this I feel compelled to let those of you that don’t know us personally that my wife and I are very happily married. We are also silly.)
Laptop Bonanza: Revenge of the Husband
I am the new owner of a suitcase I didn’t want. My wife thought it was cute. I am the type of person that could travel with all of my things in one of those large black trash bags. But I am also the type of guy that will forget to pack underwear for a week long vacation.
So I defer to her vis-a-vis travel.
I am now a freelance writer. I don’t get paid mind you, but that will come2. So I have been spending lots of hours on the laptop that my wife and I share.
Recently an issue arose regarding that laptop. When you’ve been a husband for a long enough time you can smell a rat. I say this as though you should be impressed. You should not.
The fact that it has taken me close to twenty-five years to figure out how the person that knows me better than anyone on the planet goes about manipulating me is honestly kind of embarrassing.
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Recently my wife purchased a new suitcase for herself. Well, not just a new suitcase. She also bought the travel bag that came with it.
And the personal bag.
And the three toiletry bags.
She was happy about it. And if wifey is happy life is snappy. All of her bags were a matching pink. Elle Woods3 would be proud.
Being the loving wife she is she was not sufficiently content in just making herself happy. She wanted to pass along a little joy to the bald guy on the other side of the bed.
After about two months of sharing with her all of the reasons I didn’t need, nor want, a new suitcase….my new suitcase arrived.
The funny thing is, I knew from the start I was going to get the suitcase. We’ve been married long enough that I know by the tone of her voice when she asks me a question if she wants a particular answer or not. Sometimes I acquiesce and give it to her. Sometimes I do not.
In this case I knew I was getting the suitcase. It was only a matter of time. I just wanted to see how long she could hold out.
However, my arrogance after the suitcase escapade was short lived as we transitioned into the Laptop Bonanza.
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“Laptop Bonanza: A play in three parts”
Part I (a month or so ago): The opening salvo.
Wife: How would you like a new laptop for your birthday?
Me: Why would I need a new laptop?
Wife: You are using ours so much more now, I just figured you’d like to have your own.
Me: I don’t, but thanks!
Part II (a few weeks ago): Heavy artillery.
Wife: Feel how light my work laptop is…
Me: (feeling how light her laptop is) Neat.
Wife: Now feel how heavy our personal laptop is.
Me: (feeling how heavy our personal laptop is) Yup.
Wife: Wouldn’t you want a new one that’s lighter?
Me: Not really.
Wife: But you travel with it now and a new one would make traveling so much easier.
Me: No it wouldn’t. Have you seen the rucksack I wear when I walk? That’s way heavier than carrying a laptop in my backpack.
Wife: Ok fine.
Part III (last week): Frontal assault.
Wife: (clearly exasperated with me and we weren’t even interacting at the time) Where did you leave the laptop now?
Me (suddenly freightened): Uh, it’s plugged in right there (point to laptop five feet away).
Wife: (lets out irritated sigh)
Me: What?
Wife: You really need to get your own laptop.
Me: Ok. Get me one for my birthday then (this is me efforting to diffuse a situation that has escalated quickly and seemingly for no reason).
Wife: No.
Me: Why? You literally just asked me a few weeks ago if I wanted one.
Wife: And you said no.
Me: Well I don’t want one. But clearly you want me to have one. So get me one.
Wife: No I’m not doing that. I want to get you something you want.
Me: You bought me a suitcase I didn’t want (delivered with a wry smile).
Wife: (caught in the act so she lets out a wry smile herself) Well that’s different.
Me: (finally figuring out the long con she’s been running)
So there you have it folks. It may have taken me a month or so….and I may have pissed her off in the process….but I feel like this time I may have bested her.
Seriously, you love it?
‘The kids’ call this manifesting.
From the film Legally Blonde. This footnote is for my readers over 70 that may have not seen this film. But who am I kidding, those readers don’t read the footnotes. Or do they??
Oh, you’re getting a laptop, Henny. Although, I’m not sure to whom the win should be awarded. But that’s typical of virtually any marital dispute.
Hey, thanks so much for the mention, Henny! I didn't get a notification about it, so it was a very pleasant surprise just now.