Empty Calories & Male Curiosity, #30 🥃

Travelogue #4, The Pacific Northwest: Books, Body Bags, & Baseball

QUICK HITTERS:

1. Did you know kids in school used to learn the and sign (&) with the alphabet? Me neither. It came right after Z (and is technically called an ampersand). I learned that this week listening to The Ezra Klein Show. If you are looking for a new podcast, check it out. Super interesting. (Thanks to subscriber Jason S. for the reccomendation.)

2. This week’s book rec is in keeping with the baseball theme. When Moneyball, by Michael Lewis, was first published in 2003 it ushered in a new era of data analytics. Not just in sports, but in business as well. AI may be all the rage now, but if you haven’t read this book yet you should definitely check it out. As an added bonus, it is so old you should be able to find it in your local library.

   

   Darla typically doesn't like our photo shoots, so I thought maybe if I held her it would be easier. Nope.

GOING DEEP:

Travelogue #4, The Pacific Northwest: Books, Body Bags, & Baseball

About seven years ago my dad and I started a quest to visit every major league baseball ballpark. He had spent the previous 50+ years coaching swimming and that summer would be his first not working since he was a teenager. I figured it would be something fun we could do together, while at the same time giving him something to look forward to in that first summer not working.

This year’s trip was our most ambitious yet: a visit to the Pacific Northwest to watch the Mariners, A’s, and Giants. Ambitious because it entailed getting an analog octogenarian from Philadelphia to the Pacific Northwest, via Milwaukee. 

No small task.

“I am not a cook.” Ok, he didn’t say that, but there were many other dad jokes.

1st stop, Seattle:

This is the second urinal picture I’ve posted in one of these travelogues. If I continute on this pace I may one day accrue enough to fill a book. Not exacttly a coffee table book about coffee tables, but still a top notch idea.

In my experience Uber drivers fall into one of two categories: either chatty as hell or basically non-communicative. Our driver from Seattle-Tacoma International Airport to our hotel was of the former variety. 

Mount McKinley. Ansel Adams I am not.

He was from Ethiopia and extremely interested in the day's events. This was last Saturday, the day of one ignominious parade in our nation’s capital and many protests in response. His name was Meleak, and he had lots of questions and had clearly done some reading on his own. 

He and I chatted while my dad pretended to, as his hearing and inability to understand any accent other than Philadelphia-ese didn’t allow him to participate very much.

While talking with Meleak, I remembered thinking that I hadn’t met someone so interested in the American way of life in quite some time. Shame on us for taking for granted the gift we have all been given.

The next day, Sunday, was Father’s Day and a day game for the Mariners. We slept in a bit and walked a few blocks to grab some breakfast. Along the way we saw a handful of city workers cleaning spray paint off of buildings (“F*ck Ice” and “F’ck Trump” messages mostly). After breakfast we headed to the ballpark and were greeted by this guy….

The juxtaposition of all of the vandalism with this gentleman kind of became a theme for our trip. Almost everyone we interacted with while we were out there was super friendly. And you could tell that the cities we were in were uber inclusive when it came to diversity. 

However, there was always an air of desperation that seemed to be lurking. Homelessness and trash will do that I suppose.

The game was great. The Mariners defeated the Guardians¹ 6-0 on the strength of a grand slam early in the game (punctuated by Thunderstruck roaring in the stadium, shout-out to SilentPunt Podcast listeners). The game was over in two hours, which gave us plenty of time to get to the airport.

We had a plane to catch to Sacramento.

Surpised my dad with this message on the big scoreboard.

2nd Stop, Sacramento: 

For those of you that are non-baseball fans, this summer is the first year the Oakland A’s are no longer playing in Oakland. Like the NFL’s Raiders before them, they will be moving to Las Vegas². However, while they wait a few years for their new stadium in sin city to be completed, they are playing in a minor league stadium in Sacramento. 

Since it was a night game we had the entire day in Sacramento to ourselves.

After a great lunch with one of my dad’s former swimmers and his wife (they live in the area) at a super cool little restaurant³ , we decided to check out the state Capitol building. 

Here is my summary of that experience:

1. The state senate was in session. We sat in the gallery for about ten minutes as several speakers spoke about the upcoming Juneteenth holiday. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that 95% of the senators in that chamber were scrolling on their phones the entire time. Meleak would’ve been ashamed.

2. This guy:

   

   I was oddly transfixed by this photo.

   3. And this guy:

This statue was even creepier in person. I think because it seems to be Reagan’s old head from his presidential days on top of his actor-era body. I have no idea how or why I am compartmentalizing those two things.

After that it was off to the game. I am excited about every stadium we visit, but I was uniquely pumped for this one. Minor league stadiums are typically really cool, with lots to do and tons of activities. In fact, the gameday experience that most fans are used to now at major league games comes directly from the minor leagues. 

However, my hopes were quickly dashed. Below is a clip from the classic 80s flick Major League. This is the exact vibe I got when the A’s took the field. (I took a video, but not surprisingly, it is pretty boring to watch.)

In short, this was the worst fan experience I've ever had at a professional sporting event. Check out the enthusiasm….

In one of the few activities they had between innings, the participating fans were playing to win Dippin Dots. As ridiculously shitty of a prize as that is, it isn’t even the worst part.

The MC in charge of the in-game entertainment repeatedly referred to the prize as Dipping Dots. 

DIPPING.

With the G. 

What the actual high-fructose was going on?

One of the few advantages of being in a minor league park was being able to get very close to the action. It was cool to see such elite performers up close.

3rd Stop, San Francisco:

By this point in the trip we were both fatigued. Kind of like you probably are right now. So, just the highlights:

1. Visited Alcatraz. My second time, my dad’s first. The highlight for me was watching a documentary (about Native Americans occupying the island in the late 60s…did you know about that??) and hearing a Native American woman referring to “sympathetic whites.” I immediately thought that sounded like a great name for an alt-rock punk fusion band out of Berkley. 

   I also met this guy. He is the last surviving inmate from Alcatraz. He didn’t have much to say to me, but made fun of the couple in front of me from Australia. “Ha! You’re from an entire country of damn convicts!”

   

   I'm only a couple of chapters into the book but I am thinking I may have overpaid for it.

2. Met this dog:

   

   His name was Oatley. Yes, like the milk, said his mom.

3. I had my dad lock himself in the car the night we arrived while I went and checked us in. He looked at me like I was crazy. I think he got the gist the next morning when we left our hotel and were immediately greeted by two police officers zipping up a body bag:

   

   No, that sign did not say “BODIES!” And no, I did not take a picture of the body bag. That is bad ju ju.

4. It was Italian American night at the game. No cool merch available. Come on paisans.

   Can any of you Seinfeld fans recognize this song? Carissa, how about you??

5. Later in the game they also played the Dominick the Italian Donkey Christmas song. I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure this would be like playing The Village People’s YMCA on PRIDE night.

   On the nose? Sure.

   Lazy? Definitely.

6. Rounding out our musical review: the DJ guy they had sing Take Me Out To The Ballgame got several lyrics wrong. Can we sic ICE on that blasphemer?

7. Saw a shit ton of Waymos. For those of you who aren’t as hip as me and don’t know what they are, they are self-driving taxis:

   

   Just kidding, I didn’t know these things existed either. Kinda freaky.

   
   

That’s it until next year’s trip. Hopefully I won’t be as verbose in that edition, so I can expound upon some other topics that did not make the final cut here:

• Seat entering & exiting etiquette (get outta my f’in way people!).

• Fans now apparently boo on the first pick-off attempt.

• Why I would never, and I mean never, give a foul ball to a child.

I’m trying to get to 200 subscribers by the end of the summer. How about you be a mench and refer a friend…

1. The Cleveland “Guardians” has to be the worst name in professional sports, no?

2. Vegas will actually be the fourth home for the As franchise. With Philadelphia, Kansas City, and now Oakland being left behind.

3. https://goldenbear916.com