Empty Calories & Male Curiosity, #8

Should Women Rule The World? The Duvet Insurrection

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Maverick, the book nibbler & bookmark stealer.

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GOING DEEP:

Should Women Rule The World?: The Duvet Insurrection

Some women say the world would be a better place if they were in charge of everything. Some men agree, myself included. They say us men have had our chance and look where it’s gotten us: War, greed, and climate change that is spawning natural disasters. 

Why shouldn’t they deserve a shot?

Here’s why they don’t deserve a shot: the duvet. Like many men I was unfamiliar with this word and the item it represents until I was married and found out. To those men reading this that have yet to join me in marital bliss, a duvet is a cloth covering that you place completely around your comforter. 

(I just had to pause and search my brain for the word comforter. When you are an unmarried man all things that go on a bed are just called “sheets.” I.E. fitted sheet = sheet; other sheet that goes over that sheet = sheet; heavy sheet that goes on top of everything = sheet.) 

Ok, so I just went to research this and I’m doing it all wrong. The term duvet actually refers to the soft comforter thing. A duvet cover is what I was trying to describe above. I suppose therein lies the first strike against the thought of women running the world. If things can get this convoluted in the bedroom, think of what would happen in the State Department.

Back to the, we’ll call it - duvet cover. Have you ever tried to get one of these straight jackets of death to corral the actual duvet? I’m not joking when I say I have from time to time finished this job sweating and/or bleeding. Twenty-two years of marriage, the last four of which with me being the primary homemaker, and in just the last year I feel like I’ve gotten a good handle on how to do it. My wife however….

She thinks it is a two-person job. That is strike two for you women folk. Anything that is a two-person job in the bedroom that is not coitus is redundant and should be eliminated. At least until you are in your 80s. At that point all bets are off (and no one wants to hear about it). 

I think I’ve maybe buried the lead on this one. Or maybe I’ve just kept it until now for dramatic build up. Whatever the reason, strike three for you princesses is the actual purpose of the duvet cover. For the first ten or so years of marriage I didn’t bother asking what its purpose was. I was too busy fighting the Pillow War at the time. (Which was won by yours truly roughly five years ago. A glorious triumph which resulted in me having the ability to throw any superfluous pillow on the floor whenever I want. Fellas - text me and I can give you my war plan.)

After my 2020 victory in the long simmering Pillow War I reset my focus on the duvet cover. Like any good strongman I could not quench my thirst for power with only one victory. I needed more. After softening up my wife’s defenses with mortar for several years (“what does this thing actually do?”, “why are we washing both the duvet and its cover?”, etc) I went in for the kill. Here is how the final assault transpired:

(Scene: Me and my wife in our bedroom. About to remove duvet cover)

Me: I know you think I’ve been joking, but seriously, what is the point of this thing?

Wife: To keep the duvet clean.

Me: OK, so we are taking this cover off and then we are going to put it in the washing machine, correct?

Wife: (starting to get suspicious) Yes.

Me: K. Then, when that is done washing we are going to wash the actual duvet?

Wife: Yes.   (Anger stirring, I have begun to awaken the dragon)

Me: Just circling back, the duvet cover’s job is to keep the duvet clean, right?

Wife: Seriously?

Me: Seriously.

Wife: Ugh, yes.

Me: Then why are we washing the actual duvet?

Wife: Because it just needs it.

Me: Doesn’t that fact render the entire existence of the duvet cover mute? And hence this entire enterprise a waste of time?

Wife: Well, the duvet cover also looks pretty.

There you have it folks. Can we seriously be expected to entrust the nuclear codes with such flawed logic? 

“It looks pretty.” 

Pretty sure that’s what the Native Americans said of Eurepean ships when they first encountered them. Hundreds of years of pestilence and genocide ensued.

I’m not saying women would systematically annihilate us men and force us to live in small, remote, and mostly barren areas. But explain to me this: ice fishing.

And also, did you see the ease and quickness of that pivot? “It looks pretty.” No hesitation. Years of planning on my part, an airtight strategy, all defeated in the blink of an eye by female logic.

On second thought, maybe they should be the ones in charge.