Empty Calories & Male Curiosity, #22

Jeeps & Ducks: Cute tradition or sign of the apocalypse?

QUICK HITTERS:

1. If you are not a fan of the TV show NCIS you can skip to #2. If you are, you know that Leroy Jethro Gibbs has rules he lives by. Well, so does Henny John Hiemenz:

   Rule #37: Never read a biography.

   Rule #16: The New York Football Giants suck.

2. This week’s book recommendation is the exception that proves the above two rules. Once A Giant: A Story of Victory, Tragedy, and Life After Football by Gary Myers is technically not a biography but it is absolutely about the NY Giants. It tells the story of the 1980s era-Giants (you know, the last time they didn’t suck) and the lifelong bond they formed. It goes light on the typical review of past information that forms my dislike of biographies, and heavy on the emotional connections of the players and their coaches. Bill Parcells comes off as slightly less of an asshole than he actually is. And Bill Belichick comes off as, well, Bill Belichick.

   

   The inside of our front door may look like we live with a wolverine due to Darla's hatred of the UPS man, but hey, at least we taught her to shake 😍

3. I picked that book because earlier this week on the SilentPunt Podcast I talked about QB prospects in this year’s NFL Draft. True to form, last night in Round 1 the Giants made another terrible decision. Several of the QBs I talked about will go tonight in the draft, so if you haven’t listened yet you can learn more about them here. ¹

4. Travis has once again agreed to a contract extension and will return in next week’s episode. Sorry to those of you that requested his termination.

5. If you’ve been forwarded this, congratulations! You’ve been invited to join us in our humorous discussions of family, sports, history, & travel. Subscribe for free here:

   If you are already a subscriber - thank you!!! But for the love of God, please forward to a like-minded friend. I’m starting to think we’re all there is….

GOING DEEP:

Jeeps & Ducks: Cute tradition or sign of the apocalypse?

I don’t know why but some things just tend to bug the hell out of me. One of those things is Jeeps. Well, not exactly Jeeps by themselves. Jeeps with those stupid little rubber duckies on the dashboard. For years I’d see them driving around and wonder what was up with them. At first I thought it was just some cutesy thing girls did. You know, the kind of thing that makes no heavenly difference to the male population. 

Candles. 

Throw pillows. 

Lululemon.

Duvets².

Humanity would be fine if these things just went poof. But women love them.

Then I started to see men driving Jeeps with ducks. This upped the level of my annoyance with these colorful little Chinese plastic birds. What in the name of everything holy could cause a man to drive around with 25 ducks on his dashboard? Also, don’t those stupid little doggie choking hazards fly around as you’re turning and accelerating? And if not, why? Do you glue them or tape them to the dash? The whole situation is dizzying. 

Spotted this one earlier in the week.

Why I’ve never bothered to Google these ducks and their seemingly required presence in every Jeep I see is beyond me. Thirty seconds on my cell phone could have spared me years of getting my panties in a bunch about these ridiculous polyurethane critters. Perhaps that says something more about me than the ducks. Like, maybe I enjoy getting angry? Probably something I should bring up with a therapist. 

I dare you to find an AI image generator that makes “bald, middle-aged, white man” turn out to NOT look like a suspect on Law & Order SUV.

While the etymology of the word Jeep is disputed, the most plausible origin stems from the military phrase “General Purpose,” or GP for short. Jeeps initially made their way onto the scene during the run up to WWII when the Army was looking for a four-wheel drive reconnaissance vehicle. If you are old like me you’ll remember what these early versions looked like when I show you this picture: 

How many of these characters can you name?

By the time MASH was on the airwaves Jeeps had crossed over and were being mass produced and driven on roads all over America. But I don’t ever remember seeing one on the road in those years. So I can’t say whether or not these dime-store descendents of Scrooge McDuck were a part of their accouterments at that point or not. If I had to guess I’d say no. Whether the reason behind that is an underlying fear of impending nuclear war, or an over-reliance of Sun In that led to chemical leakage into the brains of Jeep owners, we will never know. Sometimes the universe is good at hiding her secrets.

Your guess is as good as mine as to why Google showed me this next ad when I asked for Sun In advertisements….

I guess this ad is appropriate…it would‘ve taken an alien laser to move most chick’s hair in the 80s.

The duck situation came to a head a few years ago when a good friend of mine bought a Jeep. As far as I knew at the time he was like me. Middle-aged, bald, dashingly handsome. However, I came to find out we differed in one critical area.

After a few times riding in his Jeep, ducks started to appear. Finally, my long-simmering hatred of those little abominations came to a boil.

I had to ask:

Me: Ok, so what is the deal with the ducks? I always see them in Jeeps, and now you have them. What gives?

Friend: I don’t really know.

Me: Say what now?

Friend: Well, they just started showing up. I’d park outside of someplace, then come back out to find someone had left one on the hood of the Jeep.

Me: Well that’s weird. Ok, so why then are you putting them on the dash?

Friend: I don’t know. That just seems like what everyone does.

At this point my head was about to explode but I remained calm. Kind of like a homicide detective in one of those police procedurals that has just gotten the sadistic serial killer to confess to a brutal crime.

I was horrified but needed more answers:

Me: So let me get this straight: You have 25 of these things. That means that over the course of the past few months at least 25 people have left you a little rubber duckie? What, do Jeep owners drive around with extra little duckies in their car just in case they see another Jeep?

Friend: Well, not exactly.

Me: What does that mean?

Friend: It didn’t happen that often, just like 2 or 3 times.

Me: Where’d all these other ducks come from then?

Friend: I bought them.

Again, it was all I could do to keep my head from going full Scanners mode.

If you get this reference you need to get a life, like me.

But I kept my cool:

Me: You bought them? What, like on Amazon or something?

Friend: Yup. 

Me: Then put them on your car dash? All lined up in a little row?

Friend: Yeah.

Me: But you don’t know why anyone does this?

Friend: I guess not.

Right then and there, while my brain was probably growing another tumor, I decided to bury my misguided rage for these trollopy descendents of Daisy Duck. I pledged to never Google why Jeep owners do such things. Some mysteries of the universe deserve to remain unsolved. 

Consciousness, the enduring nature of unrequited young love, the possibility of a creator, the multiverse.

The meaning of the show LOST.

I will reluctantly turn a blind eye to these things just like I will attempt to disregard the fact that Jeeps are being driven around by yuppies in vehicles designed for warfare.

My not knowing is an act of self-care. As long as I can ignore these incessantly annoying AFLAC assholes and symbols of American sheepdom I figure I can also ignore the bigger issues in life. ³

I know that if I can repress my loathing of these stubby, synthetic hens from hell, I can repress my need for answers to life’s bigger questions. And I find that oddly comforting.

Trivia: How many of the MASH characters’ names did you know? Drop your answer in the comments. Don’t know how to comment? Figure it out FFS!

SilentPunt is a free, reader-supported publication. So support me for cryin’ out loud! Like this post. Comment on this post. Forward this post.

1. Hey Paul, I used to run into Josh Allen’s head coach at Wyoming (Craig Bohl) at the state championship games in WI every year. He was at North Dakota prior to that…and the current HC at NDSU played QB in the 90s at the same school where I finished my coaching career. One of my QBs broke all of his records 😂.

2. Learn more about my hatred of duvets here.

3. Sheepdom is not a word, but it should be.