Festivus
Guest post from Jon Murphy
In the past fourteen months or so, I’ve met some really neat people through writing this newsletter. This week’s guest post is from one such friend. His name is Jon Murphy and he writes the Lion’s Honey newsletter.
Like me, Jon is a dad and husband. He is a full-time firefighter by trade, but a writer and artist by passion. Jon is a small-town Southern Illinois guy who believes every small town needs its own homegrown poet and storyteller.
Read all the way through for a chance to win a prize from one of us!
From Jon Murphy:
Festivus
Today is December 23rd, a day that used to hold little significance, but if you happen to be a Seinfeld junky like myself, then you may be aware that December 23rd is the day of Festivus! A holiday invented by Frank Costanza.
Frank is an absolute ticking time bomb of a character in Seinfeld. He is so absurd you can’t help but laugh at his ridiculous self-authored convictions. He invents Festivus as a fix to the mounting pressures of the holiday season.
One of the demarcations of Festivus is a ritual called The Airing of Grievances. That’s where everyone at the table takes turns listing the bugaboos they have with the other people sitting at the table. Absurd observational humor at its finest. I laugh just thinking about the concept.
However, I must concede that we all have a little Frank Costanza in us. Those hilarious peeves with the world that just chap our ‘you know what.’ It’s not good to be Frank all day, every day, but once a year for 5 minutes? Why not air some grief to a metal pole and win a prize?
That’s what this post is for (minus the metal pole).
It’s all about cleansing the palette of grief so you can behold Christmas with a lighter and truer heart, like sniffing coffee beans before smelling a perfume or cologne.
With that said, I’ll begin with my airing of grievances:
(Clears throat) I got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re going to hear about them:
Why are public bathroom toilet paper dispensers so low to the ground? I didn’t believe in lizard people until trying to wipe at a 7-Eleven years ago. There’s no way humans designed its height placement. That goes for public bathrooms everywhere. Eye-level scum bags!
Bruh.
6/7. Not only is it ignorant to perpetuate, but it means absolutely nothing. So don’t ground your kid for saying it… unless not perpetuating ignorance is a rule in your house. In that case, by all means.
Henny: “Teen boys can’t have punchable faces, right? That would just be a mean thing to say.”
Over the top and in the front. We are back to toilet paper somehow. Nonetheless, there is a right and wrong way to do everything. The toilet paper roll is no exception. Over the top and in the front! It’s a scientific fact.
Henny says this is the first argument he and his newly married wife upon tying the knot.
Saying “I could care less” when you actually mean “I couldn’t care less.” Stop letting people get away with this.
Meghan Markle and Jamie Kern Lima podcast. Whatever you wanna call what happened on that podcast, it deeply bothered me, as if a plane had crashed into my own backyard. I don’t know anyone on it, but I’m deeply concerned for everyone’s well-being.
Ketchup on a steak. If you don’t know why it’s a problem, then you are the problem.
Whiskey in a plastic cup. Look, I’m a blue-collar guy who believes there is a top and bottom side to a metal washer. So like I said, everything has a right and a wrong, and whiskey in a plastic cup is just plain wrong.
Henny: “Washers have sides?”
Don’t pretend to know sports. There’s nothing wrong with being a casual fan. We need you, but we all cringe at those who pretend to know more than they actually do. When in doubt, just say “I’m a casual,” and you’ll always get invited to the Super Bowl party.
Henny: “When in doubt, say Go Birds!”
Walk to the ambulance if you can. This is just a free life tip. I am a paramedic, and I promise you, no credibility of your complaint is lost if you can walk to the rig. But if I have to lug a cot to a second-story floor for elbow pain… there are memes about you kind of people.
Henny: “I once walked to the rig with a punctured lung, fractured disc, and concussion. But I still didn’t know there were two sides to a washer.”
Sports media. I’m still pissed that I know Tiger Woods cheated on his wife. Just give me sports and the highlights. Stop trying to be TMZ. Stuart Scott was the model. Can we please get back to that?
As cool as the other side of the pillow, baby.
I had more, but I’ve lost my train of thought. Anyway. Merry Christmas everyone, but for now, Happy Festivus!!!
Now it’s your turn at the table. Air a grievance that is true to you, but also a bit absurd.
All you need to do is give us one of your grievances. Either drop it in the comments or reply to this email. Get it off your chest. Be funny. Be entertaining. Be honest. Elaborate as much as you want. The world needs more of each.
Best comment wins a free Festivus T-shirt via Henny and SilentPunt, as well as a custom prize from me.
Good luck, and may it be a Festivus for the rest of us!
not sure why but the toilet paper thing always bugs me too. Beards can be cool, mullets are not, no mullet toilet paper!
grievance: cruising in the left lane. If you aren’t passing someone, move over, always. If you ‘are going over the speed limit’ good for you, move over. I don’t care if you’re going 90 in a 70, move over. Thanks on behalf of all who have taken drivers ed (and might speed a little…)
Loved this.
Two immediate scenarios. One: if people could kindly cease telling me they “need some rest bite.” It took me an embarrassing amount of time to realise they meant respite. I nearly needed some myself.
And two: you should thank the Substack gods this platform doesn’t allow image replies. My gripe is… unsolicited bare feet pics.
Please. I beg. Make it stop.