I've heard stories about both Clintons remembering names. Bill has a photographic memory and politicians learn the art of how to remember names. Great piece.
Great headline, Henny! Writing the headline is my favorite part of writing a weekly column. I was discussing my approach of writing the headline first with a decorated editor friend, and told him I thought I was doing it backwards. He said, no, that can work - so, I’m not necessarily doing it wrong. . .right?
I have a friend that is just like this, and I was embarrassed to admit out loud once that the most startling thing about my relationship with him is that he actually remembers details about the things we discuss. Can you imagine? I have a masters degree in counseling, and I was truly shook by the fact that he is able to weave in past discussion topics to our current conversations. It made me truly wonder why, at 45 years old, I am so amazed by something so simple. Obviously there are some deeply held cultural beliefs here about male friendships that I need to explore. I'm glad to know I'm not alone.
I was reading this the whole time nodding my head. I really am curious about how connection forms through the lens of masculinity as I think I see bonded intimacy happening more frequently among certain male demographics. This is something my husband and I talk about often. It really seems like connection is such a craving and yet there are layers to get through. All it takes is one person dropping in though. Sharing a vulnerability, listening deeper. This was a really great read!
Man my Substack must be on the fritz, cause I missed this comment too, argh!!!
Thanks so much and glad this piece reasonated with you. I’m interested in what you said you guys talk about…like seeing it differently in different demographics. Which ones seem to be doing it better? And what’s your hubbies take? I honestly don’t get to have convos like this very much irl.
I definitely notice younger generations, teens-early twenties seem to be moving to perhaps a deeper layer of relating, I would say 30+ is where I have notice the desire is there, but more of a disconnect on how to have closer connections especially with other men. My husband, feels very similar! He often says “we only know how to be angry” in conflict or things stay very surface level in hangouts. Conversation doesn’t often go to the deeper layers underneath shared interest! Very fascinating, because I was socialized so differently where connection OFTEN goes beyond the interest.
I really find all of this fascinating. And I definitely get the angry part. It’s been a challenge for me to learn to not go from zero to a hundred there. And it’s driven by not communicating in the first place. All that stuff just keeps gurgling until its got nowhere else to go.
Rubin is the man. He’s prob #1 on my list of living artists / celebrities if I could have a coffee with. Dude is special. As you mentioned, the book is so well structured in how you can pick it up anywhere.
Sadly, high quality listening has become a lost art. It’s especially noticeable in the workplace where, like you described, even in a 1:1 setting, if someone listens to me for more than 10-15 seconds it’s jarring. When so much of the world becomes performative, listening quickly becomes devalued.
The part about friends I need to think about more. Present and forgiving are the words that come to mind when I think of my best adult friends. When we were in college, we all were on the same (joke of a) schedule. It’s much easier to be a good friend when you’re biggest conflict is where to start happy hour on a Friday afternoon. And from what I’ve seen, today’s fathers have a greater complexity of busy and are far more involved in their family’s lives compared to our fathers before us. Some might say that’s an excuse but I point it out because I think our generation is figuring out on the fly how to try and do both, be a good friend and a better (genuinely more present) husband and father. Appreciate you writing about this though. It’s good to think more about.
You hit on a good point about fathers. I’ve actually talked to guys about that before…and how women seem do a much better time (overall) of carving out time for their friendships.
It almost seems like it’s more culturally appropriate and/or understood that they need that in their lives. Men are just supposed to tough things out. I can usually tell when a friend has a wife that is like, “yeah, you need to go hang with your guys”….and when one has a wife that is constantly giving him shit for anything he does outside of work or the family.
There is a similar Bill Clinton story when he visited Southern Illinois. He met a police officer and chatted with him. A few years later, he returned and appointed that officer to his security detail. Also, your point about the affect of active listening is true, at least in my experience. Definitely an under valued attribute
Love this, Henny. Yes, in today’s multi-tasking, overscheduled days, it can be so hard to find friends who truly take the time and care to listen. But when you find them, hold on tight. They are your people…your tribe. Also, regarding worrying about what others might think of making oneself vulnerable by sharing real life events that may not be pleasant, I say don’t shrink yourself or curb who you are. Living an authentic life is one of the best ways to honor who you are.
Holy cow Angie, totally missed this comment somehow…thanks!!!
Such a great point on living an authentic life. I used to think stuff like that was kind of fru-fru (is that even a word? 🤣), but I’m starting to get it now.
Maybe I’ll have it all figured out just in time to kick the bucket! 😄
Lol! I don't think any of us are supposed to have or get it all figured out before we return to dust...but we are supposed to learn and do better when we know better.
Great headline, Henny! Writing the headline is my favorite part of writing a weekly column. I was discussing my approach of writing the headline first with a decorated editor friend, and told him I thought I was doing it backwards. He said, no, that can work - so, I’m not necessarily doing it wrong. . .right?
I've heard stories about both Clintons remembering names. Bill has a photographic memory and politicians learn the art of how to remember names. Great piece.
Thanks Carissa!
Hahaha, what a headline! The rest was also quite enjoyable!
Thanks Matt! That was like my fourth pass at a headline, glad it landed.
Great headline, Henny! Writing the headline is my favorite part of writing a weekly column. I was discussing my approach of writing the headline first with a decorated editor friend, and told him I thought I was doing it backwards. He said, no, that can work - so, I’m not necessarily doing it wrong. . .right?
Thanks Bill! Seems as though with writing there are lots of different ways to go about it.
And as we say in our house, you do you Boo
I have a friend that is just like this, and I was embarrassed to admit out loud once that the most startling thing about my relationship with him is that he actually remembers details about the things we discuss. Can you imagine? I have a masters degree in counseling, and I was truly shook by the fact that he is able to weave in past discussion topics to our current conversations. It made me truly wonder why, at 45 years old, I am so amazed by something so simple. Obviously there are some deeply held cultural beliefs here about male friendships that I need to explore. I'm glad to know I'm not alone.
It’s so crazy, right?
Seems so simple…then when you put yourself out there and get crickets in return it’s like, “oh yeah, this is why it’s hard.”
I was reading this the whole time nodding my head. I really am curious about how connection forms through the lens of masculinity as I think I see bonded intimacy happening more frequently among certain male demographics. This is something my husband and I talk about often. It really seems like connection is such a craving and yet there are layers to get through. All it takes is one person dropping in though. Sharing a vulnerability, listening deeper. This was a really great read!
Man my Substack must be on the fritz, cause I missed this comment too, argh!!!
Thanks so much and glad this piece reasonated with you. I’m interested in what you said you guys talk about…like seeing it differently in different demographics. Which ones seem to be doing it better? And what’s your hubbies take? I honestly don’t get to have convos like this very much irl.
I definitely notice younger generations, teens-early twenties seem to be moving to perhaps a deeper layer of relating, I would say 30+ is where I have notice the desire is there, but more of a disconnect on how to have closer connections especially with other men. My husband, feels very similar! He often says “we only know how to be angry” in conflict or things stay very surface level in hangouts. Conversation doesn’t often go to the deeper layers underneath shared interest! Very fascinating, because I was socialized so differently where connection OFTEN goes beyond the interest.
I really find all of this fascinating. And I definitely get the angry part. It’s been a challenge for me to learn to not go from zero to a hundred there. And it’s driven by not communicating in the first place. All that stuff just keeps gurgling until its got nowhere else to go.
I listen to Scott Galloway's podcast and he speaks a lot about masculinity and connecting with others. Do you know his stuff?
Yes I’m familiar. I agree with a lot of what he says, but that guy bothers me. I actually have a wip on him.
It is not nice 🤣
Can’t wait to read it. I like him, but he’s also completely obnoxious.
Completely
Love this!
Thanks Will!!!
would love your thoughts on some of my stuff. follow me back I could DM you?
Let me know a good piece to read first
👍🏼
Rubin is the man. He’s prob #1 on my list of living artists / celebrities if I could have a coffee with. Dude is special. As you mentioned, the book is so well structured in how you can pick it up anywhere.
Sadly, high quality listening has become a lost art. It’s especially noticeable in the workplace where, like you described, even in a 1:1 setting, if someone listens to me for more than 10-15 seconds it’s jarring. When so much of the world becomes performative, listening quickly becomes devalued.
The part about friends I need to think about more. Present and forgiving are the words that come to mind when I think of my best adult friends. When we were in college, we all were on the same (joke of a) schedule. It’s much easier to be a good friend when you’re biggest conflict is where to start happy hour on a Friday afternoon. And from what I’ve seen, today’s fathers have a greater complexity of busy and are far more involved in their family’s lives compared to our fathers before us. Some might say that’s an excuse but I point it out because I think our generation is figuring out on the fly how to try and do both, be a good friend and a better (genuinely more present) husband and father. Appreciate you writing about this though. It’s good to think more about.
Cup of coffee with Rubin sounds amazing.
You hit on a good point about fathers. I’ve actually talked to guys about that before…and how women seem do a much better time (overall) of carving out time for their friendships.
It almost seems like it’s more culturally appropriate and/or understood that they need that in their lives. Men are just supposed to tough things out. I can usually tell when a friend has a wife that is like, “yeah, you need to go hang with your guys”….and when one has a wife that is constantly giving him shit for anything he does outside of work or the family.
Very interesting. Thanks for sharing Henny!
Thanks for reading William! 👊🏼
My pleasure :)
There is a similar Bill Clinton story when he visited Southern Illinois. He met a police officer and chatted with him. A few years later, he returned and appointed that officer to his security detail. Also, your point about the affect of active listening is true, at least in my experience. Definitely an under valued attribute
Yeah, not a lot of folks seem to do it these days.
Interesting story about the officer. Something tells me Bill’s got stories like this from all over. (Amongst his many other stories 🤪)
Goals. This is an excellent analysis of how friendships work (or should work). And being a better listener is something we can all aspire to.
in terms of my listening skills….my wife would agree 😉
And thanks Paul!
Love this, Henny. Yes, in today’s multi-tasking, overscheduled days, it can be so hard to find friends who truly take the time and care to listen. But when you find them, hold on tight. They are your people…your tribe. Also, regarding worrying about what others might think of making oneself vulnerable by sharing real life events that may not be pleasant, I say don’t shrink yourself or curb who you are. Living an authentic life is one of the best ways to honor who you are.
Good piece!!!
Holy cow Angie, totally missed this comment somehow…thanks!!!
Such a great point on living an authentic life. I used to think stuff like that was kind of fru-fru (is that even a word? 🤣), but I’m starting to get it now.
Maybe I’ll have it all figured out just in time to kick the bucket! 😄
Lol! I don't think any of us are supposed to have or get it all figured out before we return to dust...but we are supposed to learn and do better when we know better.
😊
Slow and steady wins the race!
Small steps forward...each day.
Great headline, Henny! Writing the headline is my favorite part of writing a weekly column. I was discussing my approach of writing the headline first with a decorated editor friend, and told him I thought I was doing it backwards. He said, no, that can work - so, I’m not necessarily doing it wrong. . .right?